And so this is life

Sorry I haven't posted lately. There's just so much going on that I'm having a hard time seeing straight, and well, I'm just not dealing well with it emotionally. I usually don't blog about my personal life, but I guess this is a time where I need to just let it out.

Scott and I are living in different states - no, we're not getting divorced - it's just something that needs to happen, I guess. I'm here in Michigan with the boys to take care of all on my own and that stresses me out beyond belief. I've just become a stay at home Mom when Jackson was born, so I'm still trying to adjust to that, and now I'm thrown into being a single parent too. It's incredibly overwhelming and I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I'm getting some help from my Mom and Scott's aunt, but I hate more than anything to ask for help - I'm stubborn and I want to prove to everyone that I can do it on my own, that I'm a strong person. But the truth is that I'm just trying to function until we can be a family again. I'm really trying to pull it together for my kids, but it's hard. I'm constantly stressed, and as much as I want to play and laugh with my kids, I feel like there's no time. It's all 100% on me to clean, cook, do laundry, grocery shop (forget any other kind of shopping), and battle getting the kids dressed or down for naps and bedtime. Not to mention that I'm doing all of this on very little sleep since Jackson still isn't the best sleeper -I haven't had a full night's sleep in about 4 months (last time I posted, I said he was sleeping through the night, but that apparently was just a fluke because he's only done it twice since). If only we could fast-forward the next month, then maybe I'll be breathing a little more calmly. I know I'll get through this, bottom line is that I have to. It's not really my choice that things are the way they are, but so be it. This is life... roll with the punches, right?

So what triggered me to actually post this? A phone call this morning. A call from one of my best friends. When I saw it was her, I was elated, I thought - OMG, she's going into labor, her son is coming today!!!! What I wasn't prepared for - it wasn't her going into labor at all. Her sister had committed suicide last night. It was a complete blow to the gut. I'm still in shock. I cannot imagine what she is going through right now. Her son is scheduled to be born in only 12 days. She has had so much anxiety with this pregnancy and now she gets to end it with her sister's funeral. I wish there was something I could do. This is a time where she should be excited, enjoying the last moments of pregnancy, getting things ready for her son's arrival, and instead she's making funeral arrangements for her sister. Life is not fair - not fair at all.

It's been an emotional day. A day I wish I had my husband here for. And that leads me to this post and why I had to let it out.... Next post I promise to be back to my usual happier self and post some pics of the kiddos - I know there's Grandparents out there who would love to see them ;)